Breaking up is always hard and it’s a thing most people aren’t likely to talk up. For a long time I, like any other person, considered my failed relationships to be totally uncomfortable thing, resulting in the feelings of uncertainty, sorrow and guilt. But when I split up with my boyfriend I started thinking about what I could learn from my failed relationship instead of suffering and feeling helpless. I looked at the situation from another perspective and saw so much wisdom in it. Here are 8 lessons I learned from my recent failed relationship.
1. He won’t change
This is the biggest illusion I cherished throughout our relationship. I don’t mean I wanted him to be someone else. But there are always things that annoy you or irritate or just make uncomfortable. After some time of being together I realized that all those cute drawbacks about him turned out into real headaches. You know, when you learn to accept instead of expect you will have fewer disappointments. And I couldn’t accept a lot of things about him and I was trying to change him. But it didn’t work. Either you accept the person or leave him.
2. …neither will I
And that was his turn to get disappointed. It’s difficult to reach a compromise, especially for two grown-up independent individuals. I understand that any relationship will be successful without concessions but very often girls and guys have a totally different idea of what a relationship is. And that was my case.
3. Common goals
Antoine de Saint-Exupery once said, “To love is not to look at one another, but to look together in the same direction.” I cannot but agree with his words since it’s the basis of any strong relationship. And it’s really disappointing when you discover that your partner intends to create a family and live happily when you want to travel, party and develop your professional potential. If the two have different goals, it will be difficult for them to start a family together.
4. Personal boundaries are important
Personal space, interests and me-time are extremely important to both of you and when a person thinks that you belong to him it’s a big problem. When you are committed to someone you want to know everything about this person. But I had an impression that I was always controlled by my beloved. I failed to set my personal boundaries and as a result our relationship collapsed. But now I know for sure that I will never tolerate controlling my incoming calls and messages or checking the list of my friends and intervening in my private space.
Admittedly, dating a guy means you spend a lot of time together. But when he’s working all day long every day and you see him on Sunday evening only, it can get a bit irritating. I also love my job and I’m often called career-driven but my job isn’t the first priority. I always have time for my friends and parents and will always have time for my partner. Now I know perfectly well that if his work is more important to him than anything else, our relationship won’t be worth pursuing.
6. Happiness is a choice
I accepted this idea many years ago but still I consider it worth talking about. We are often looking for that special guy to make us happy or to improve our self-esteem but in reality happiness comes from within, not from men. All my relationships were unsuccessful because I thought that I couldn’t live without a man. In fact, I can feel happy alone, but I feel happier with a man I love and who loves me.
7. The lust will pass away
We love the feeling of butterflies in the stomach, we love talking for hours at night and dressing in order to impress a man. But this stormy period cannot last forever and sooner or later we face the real human with all his imperfections and flaws. For me it was always a great problem to be open for 100 percent since there is always a fear of being judged and rejected. But when you can share the good, the bad and the ugly with your partner, true love takes place.
8. Keep your private life private
Your Twitter and Facebook followers do not need to know that you are in fight. Even the most severe quarrel doesn’t give cause for airing your dirty laundry. Another thing you should keep silent about is your exes. Mere suspicions can develop into a real paranoia, which happened to me. If I knew these simple tips earlier I would have avoided most of the problems with guys.
Apart from the fact that failed relationships give the fear of heartbreak, wasted time and energy, they teach us a lot. When dating someone, you learn a lot about yourself and life and you learn to see the positive in everything. Failure is not a negative thing, it’s just one more lesson you should learn. What lessons did you learn from your failed relationships?